Have you ever looked at a diamond and thought to yourself: How would someone go about putting a price tag on that rock? Each diamond has an individual value and is sold according to their grading. Professionals refer to the system for grading diamond quality as the 4 C’s of a diamond: Clarity, Carat, Color, and Cut. The diamonds are tested on these four aspects and are given a grade accordingly: the higher the grade, the greater the value.
Why am I talking about diamond grading? Well, I was having a discussion with some of my colleagues recently about difficult conversations. Husbands and wives, parents and children, boss and employee, friend to friend: at some point, everybody has to deal with conflict and often, it takes tough conversations to reach a place of restored peace. As therapists, we help people have hard conversations all the time. We often find ourselves coaching people on how to have good discussions and “fight fair”. There are some facets of having tough talks that stay pretty consistent. It got me to thinking that maybe we could find more value in our conversations if we had a rubric for “grading” them, so to speak, like diamonds. So here are the four C’s of difficult discussions:
1. Clear- Clarity in tough conversations is difficult, but equally important. Before approaching a conversation with someone, be clear with yourself first about what it is you are trying to communicate. It is easy to get off on a tangent and miss the entire goal of a discussion when there is a lack of clarity. Take some time before you have a talk to take some deep breaths, practice stating your position, consider turns the conversation could take, and how you may respectfully return to the topic at hand.
2. Concise- Being concise keeps a conversation on track like nothing else. You want to be heard, but more importantly, you want to be understood. Sometimes, too many words get in the way of understanding. You’ve heard the expression, “I can’t see the forest through the trees”? That applies here. Too many words get in the way of effective communication.
3. Calm- Starting a difficult discussion when you are very anxious, angry, agitated, stressed, or tired will almost inevitably lead to a hijacking of the conversation. What I mean by that is when you are feeling something intense; the likelihood of being able to communicate effectively without those emotions taking over is very low. Starting a conversation when you are calm and collected enhances your ability to state your point of view in a rational way. You also have to be aware of the emotional state of whomever you are speaking with. If you sense defenses rising or high emotional reactivity, take a breath or a break.
4. Compassionate- Imagine having a discussion where you are clear, concise, calm, and… cruel. That conversation will not be effective; it will shut the other person down and, in their mind, invalidate everything you have to say on the basis of you being a “jerk”. Compassionate speech is so important for having successful conversations. Compassion communicates respect and honors the dignity of the other person. I’ve heard it said, “Speaking the truth in love is not saying every true thing. It is making sure that everything you say is true.” In other words, don’t skimp on the kindness when it comes to difficult discussions.
To cap this analogy, I would like to leave you with a final thought. Every diamond looks different depending on what setting it is placed. Some look better set in white, silvery, or yellow metals depending on the diamond’s rating and make up. So too in conversations. They will take a different look depending on what setting you place them in. Take care to place your discussion in the appropriate setting. Remember, difficult conversations are a lot like diamonds; they are hard, but, when polished and carefully treated, they are valuable and can even bring beauty to your relationships.