The Four C's of Diamond Discussions

Have you ever looked at a diamond and thought to yourself: How would someone go about putting a price tag on that rock?  Each diamond has an individual value and is sold according to their grading. Professionals refer to the system for grading diamond quality as the 4 C’s of a diamond: Clarity, Carat, Color, and Cut. The diamonds are tested on these four aspects and are given a grade accordingly: the higher the grade, the greater the value. 

Why am I talking about diamond grading?  Well, I was having a discussion with some of my colleagues recently about difficult conversations.  Husbands and wives, parents and children, boss and employee, friend to friend: at some point, everybody has to deal with conflict and often, it takes tough conversations to reach a place of restored peace.  As therapists, we help people have hard conversations all the time.  We often find ourselves coaching people on how to have good discussions and “fight fair”.  There are some facets of having tough talks that stay pretty consistent.  It got me to thinking that maybe we could find more value in our conversations if we had a rubric for “grading” them, so to speak, like diamonds.  So here are the four C’s of difficult discussions:

1.     Clear- Clarity in tough conversations is difficult, but equally important.  Before approaching a conversation with someone, be clear with yourself first about what it is you are trying to communicate.  It is easy to get off on a tangent and miss the entire goal of a discussion when there is a lack of clarity.   Take some time before you have a talk to take some deep breaths, practice stating your position, consider turns the conversation could take, and how you may respectfully return to the topic at hand.

2.     Concise- Being concise keeps a conversation on track like nothing else.  You want to be heard, but more importantly, you want to be understood.  Sometimes, too many words get in the way of understanding.  You’ve heard the expression, “I can’t see the forest through the trees”?  That applies here.  Too many words get in the way of effective communication.

3.     Calm- Starting a difficult discussion when you are very anxious, angry, agitated, stressed, or tired will almost inevitably lead to a hijacking of the conversation.  What I mean by that is when you are feeling something intense; the likelihood of being able to communicate effectively without those emotions taking over is very low.  Starting a conversation when you are calm and collected enhances your ability to state your point of view in a rational way.  You also have to be aware of the emotional state of whomever you are speaking with.  If you sense defenses rising or high emotional reactivity,  take a breath or a break.

4.     Compassionate- Imagine having a discussion where you are clear, concise, calm, and… cruel.  That conversation will not be effective; it will shut the other person down and, in their mind, invalidate everything you have to say on the basis of you being a “jerk”.  Compassionate speech is so important for having successful conversations.  Compassion communicates respect and honors the dignity of the other person.  I’ve heard it said, “Speaking the truth in love is not saying every true thing.  It is making sure that everything you say is true.”  In other words, don’t skimp on the kindness when it comes to difficult discussions.

        To cap this analogy, I would like to leave you with a final thought.  Every diamond looks different depending on what setting it is placed.  Some look better set in white, silvery, or yellow metals depending on the diamond’s rating and make up.  So too in conversations.  They will take a different look depending on what setting you place them in.  Take care to place your discussion in the appropriate setting.  Remember, difficult conversations are a lot like diamonds; they are hard, but, when polished and carefully treated, they are valuable and can even bring beauty to your relationships. 

A Closer Look

What do you see in this photo?  If it were me answering, I would likely say that I wasn’t seeing much of anything.  It is basically a picture of murky water taken at an uninteresting angle.  Some might point out that there are ripples from the wind gliding across the surface of the water.  Others might also note the dark plant life growing near the bottom of the photo.  After these short assessments there isn’t much else to discuss about this.  You won’t find something like this at an art gallery with people gathered around it speculating on all the elements the artist is using.  It really isn’t that interesting. 

Until I tell you that this photo has probably fourteen small fish in it.  You might be the type of person to go looking carefully at the photo to pick them out, but I’m pretty sure that you are not able to see them.  The light from the sun on the surface of the water kept me from being able to spot them, and I took the picture.  I had been sitting on a dock, staring into the water for a while when I realized just how many little fish there were around me.  It took looking at the water from different angles and refocusing my vision a few times to take them all in.  They were very content to sit fairly still, swaying with the slight current the wind was making.  And it got me to thinking, “What if this is how we see people?”

How many times have you asked someone how they are doing, gotten a response totaling three words and taken it as the sincere truth about their lives?  I am not judging or shaming if this is you.  I have the tendency of doing this exact thing.  I get busy and passively ask about people, then don’t even wait for a response.  But what if the uninteresting response is the surface, while beneath more is going on?  This kind of discovery takes time.  It takes looking at someone from different angles and refocusing to see what is just beneath that thin surface of light at the top.  I don’t think this kind of interaction can happen when we are in the middle of our day, rushing to get all of life done before we tuck ourselves into bed.  This takes intention.  It costs time. 

As a therapist, I get to sit with people and dive beneath that surface in such a unique way.  In the hour I have with my clients, I get to go much deeper than most other people.  But sometimes I forget to do this in my personal life.  What about you?  When was the last time you sat and listened to a friend without having an agenda or during an activity?  When was the last time you heard someone say, “I’m hanging in there,” and responded with a wholehearted, “Would you like to talk about it?”  My challenge to you is to think of someone this week (maybe a spouse, significant other, a friend) and let them know you are thinking of them and would like to catch up…then DO IT!  Let’s not let our interactions with the people in our lives be like looking at a picture and dismissing it due to lack of surface interest.  People matter, so let’s start letting them know.

The Foundation

Have you ever noticed how many home-improvement shows there are on TV right now?  It seems like everywhere you turn someone is flipping houses or someone is redesigning an old house, making it look awesome for a new family.  It's fascinating; if you like that sort of thing…which I do.  I really like to watch the transformational story.  What I've noticed is that they (whoever “they” may be) always take the time to make sure the foundation is stable before they start proceeding with the rest of the project.  They check to make sure that the slab of concrete or the joists under the house are in good working order.  And they'll explain to you almost every time that the reason they make sure that the foundation is in check is so the rest of the house will stay balanced and structurally whole for the work that they will be doing.  If the foundation is cracked or weak or broken, it becomes the primary concern for the contractor.  In the shows, it also usually means re-configuring the budget and timeline to insure the work is done right. 

The same is true in human lives. We love transformational stories. Often times we like to see the before and after photos but we don't think about the messy process that is necessary to achieve “Better” status.  And what about the foundation?  How do we check the foundations in our lives?  In order to check to see if your foundation is in order, sometimes you have to crawl through the dark and neglected places of your heart, mind, and soul.  You must delve into the messy, dirty, dark parts and bring enough light to really see what is going on, to see what kind of issues you are dealing with.  Just like the renovation shows, you have to know the status of your foundations before you can try and improve what you have.  You want the work you put into your life to matter and to last, so why build on an illusion?

There is this tendency in all of us to ignore hard things.  Why would I willingly go somewhere that potentially could scare me and force me to work hard, when I can just slap on a fresh coat of paint and call it “new”?  It is scary to look into those deep parts of our hearts.  I don’t know you, but you may have some deep hurts, secrets, or traumas that you are trying to ignore.  You may just want to “move on” with your life.  Maybe you don’t have much to ignore, except that it will be hard work to take some time and examine where you stand.  But trust me, it is worth it!

When was the last time you took a look at your foundation?  How is your heart?  What is the state of your innermost being?  Are the some inconsistencies?  Relational hurts?  Are things working in harmony or is there incongruence? 

So before you go about your renovation process (and all of us, no matter what age we are, have areas in our lives that have room for improvement), take some time to inspect your foundation.  If you need someone to work with you, get the support you need, but just make sure you check.